Tag Archives: ryan

A Fall in Spring

10 Mar

Whenever Ryan wakes up in the morning, I wake up as well. Sometimes that’s as early as 4am.  Those days tend to be difficult.  We require lots and lots of coffee.

This morning, even though he slept until 7, was still a very very difficult morning. I woke up as he sat up in bed.  A lazy morning…a stretch, checking to see if he needs anything and then cuddling back into bed and the big fluffy comforter.

Ryan got dressed and moved out to the kitchen to eat breakfast and get his medicine together.

A loud bang shattered my doze.  I asked if he was okay. A heartbeat later, I heard a no.  That heartbeat was the last one for a while it seemed as I took it all in.  Somehow I managed to not wake up Avi as I hurtled out of bed.

I turned the corner and lying there on the floor of our kitchen was my husband.  Ryan had fallen hard and was definitely in pain.

Nothing is more painful than seeing someone you love in pain.  I’m just so glad that I was home.  That I was awake enough to hear him fall.  That it was late enough in the morning that a call to the nurse on-call line meant we would be able to get an appointment with the doctor without having to go to Urgent Care.

I tried to get him up to the couch, but it didn’t work so well.  We got a little bit before he started to fall again.  Thankfully this fall was better controlled and didn’t land hard.  We took another break before trying to get him off the floor again.

By the time we had to leave to get to the office, he could stand at least a little bit to get into the wheelchair.

After x-rays, BP and inspections, he was cleared.  Still, the scare was not the way I wanted to wake up. We’ve been taking it easy today but he’s definitely still hurting.

I hope tomorrow starts better….

Time

27 Dec

I feel like life is flying by.  Every breath and it’s suddenly the end of the day.  The world keeps spinning, almost out of control.  I don’t feel like I’m able to get anything done.

We are switching apartments to one on the bottom floor, so Ryan will be able to roll in on his wheelchair.  Half our furniture is being stored at my aunt and uncle’s house, so he can navigate around.  More than half of our stuff has been transferred….we’ve had lots of help from friends and family, tonight after work I’ll be working on putting stuff away.  But of course, we weren’t ready to move again.  Nothing was packed other than what we hadn’t ever unpacked when we moved in August.

At least my days are slowly developing a rhythm, if not an actual pattern.  Of course, it’ll all get shook up again when he escapes rehab, but I’ll deal with that when I can.

I almost feel like I am four different people.  The first is when I’m with Ryan.  My concentration is fully on him.  Helping him with words when he can’t find them, reminding him to breathe like he did when I was in labor while he works through therapy, holding his hand, exchanging kisses.  He becomes my whole world, regardless of how long I’m with him.

Then there is the work me.  The person who answers the phone with a cheery smile and replies “just fine” when asked “How are you?”  The person on autopilot who takes far longer than usual to process a simple email.  The person who longs to be anywhere else, doing anything else, feeling anything else.  It’s almost more difficult being here than at night when I’m trying to sleep.

The third person I am is when I’m holding a camera.  I’m able to stop my brain from wondering what the future will end up being and what our “normal” will become.  Able to concentrate on something other than figuring out how to continue on.  It’s wonderful figuring out a problem, tackling it and seeing it solved.  Even the editing (for myself and others) is therapeutic.  There is a stopping point.

Last is everything else.  The daze I walk through.  Eating.  Sleeping.  Showering.  It’s no wonder the days seem to fly by, half the time I don’t even realize what I’m doing.  Can’t recognize the task at hand unless I concentrate really hard.  I cannot even imagine losing a loved one, because having him alive but out of normal is difficult enough.

But then again, I guess I have lost something.  I’ve lost our future as we thought it would be.  What our 10 year anniversary will be.  Our 25th.  Our 50th.  Tomorrow.

I just……

I just feel like I can’t ever catch my breath.  I have so much to do.  So much I want to do.  And no time to do it.

Will you help me breathe?

EDIT: I wanted to add an update on Ryan too, so it’s not all depressing!  He is slowly seeming to get more muscle awakening on the right side.  His bicep yesterday reacted with only a tiny little bit of stimulation.  His hip is working more to allow him to walk easier.  His speech is becoming more and more expansive.  He knows what he wants to say and is usually really great at explaining it, even if he can’t find the word.  Even with almost daily pain attacks, he is getting better.  And we now have cardiology and neuro back involved to see if they can find out where the pain waves are coming from.

Update

9 Dec

It has been a busy week.  Spending most of my time split between the hospital and spending time with my beautiful daughter.  She has been holding up amazingly.  She loves having most of the day with her grandpa and playing with the puppies and new toys.  She’s also discovered the fun of Nick Jr and Playhouse Disney.  WAY too much fun.  Grandpa has discovered the fun of these shows too.  😉

Ryan has been doing amazing.  He’s made incredible strides every day.  He’s gone from not being able to feel anything on his right side to being able to have pain stimuli throughout the whole side and basic feeling through almost every part of his right side.  Most of the time, he’s in a great mood, positive and upbeat.  Willing to do almost anything to keep going.  He’ll work himself until he just can’t anymore.  The prognosis is so much better than it was when we first spoke with the doctor last week.

They went in through the arteries yesterday and discovered that both of his corrotted arteries are completely blocked now.  Somehow, the blood is still getting up to the brain.  Enough to keep him going now.  We are going to be using the status before his procedure yesterday to see if he keeps improving or starts declining, to make sure he’s still getting enough blood as he becomes more active.

Everyone’s thoughts and prayers are so welcomed.  I can feel everyone’s love and support…it is keeping me going.  Every comment.  Facebook message.  Twitter @reply.  It all feels like a hug.  A big hug when I read it.  Even though I am not able to reply to everything, I am reading it.  And loving it all.  Thank you.

I know people have asked about how they can help.  Thoughts and prayers are always appreciated.  If you want to help out in a financial way, we have set up a donation account at Wells Fargo under the name of Katherine and Ryan Campbell.  You should be able to go to any Wells Fargo and request the donations to be sent.  Please do not think of this as a beg for money.  Yes, financials are going to be tight but they are tight for everyone right now.  But I know that there have been people asking, which is why we have set this up.

Thank you everyone for your love and support.  Our community and friends are the absolute BEST.

We love you all and are so blessed!