I swear, I’m on a roller coaster, and not the fun kind. The scary, wooden rickety kind that you see on the news that falls apart in the middle of a ride. The ones that have been around longer than the people running them have been alive.
One minute, I’m up, high as a kite. Finding out that Ryan hasn’t needed pain pills and talking to him on the phone during my lunch were huge highs. My heart was bursting with joy and love.
And then, this afternoon, hearing that he wouldn’t be coming home the day after tomorrow and I’m down in the lowest valley I’ve been in. I got my hopes up when they were pretty sure he would come home on Thursday and started planning. Figuring out how to get a couple nights with just the two of us while our daughter plays with one of her grandparents. Planning how to make it to church and how to have the four days before I get to work set so we can get everything in place before I have to be at work. And then **BAM**. All up in smoke. Wasted energy.
Now, we have to figure out how to get him from the hospital on Tuesday. What to do when he gets home on Tuesday and all day Wednesday before I am done with work. We also discovered that even if/when he is approved for Medicaid, a daily caregiver will not be covered, since he won’t need significant assistance in 3 areas. We will either need to hire someone to come and supervise him (for at least $20 an hour!! Which, btw, is more than I make at work…) or find someone else that can do it for the 3 days I’m at work.
I’m down deep today. My stomach is about 4 feet behind me as I dip down into the shadows between the hills, the screams echoing like mist in my head. A difficult day.