27 Dec

I feel like life is flying by.  Every breath and it’s suddenly the end of the day.  The world keeps spinning, almost out of control.  I don’t feel like I’m able to get anything done.

We are switching apartments to one on the bottom floor, so Ryan will be able to roll in on his wheelchair.  Half our furniture is being stored at my aunt and uncle’s house, so he can navigate around.  More than half of our stuff has been transferred….we’ve had lots of help from friends and family, tonight after work I’ll be working on putting stuff away.  But of course, we weren’t ready to move again.  Nothing was packed other than what we hadn’t ever unpacked when we moved in August.

At least my days are slowly developing a rhythm, if not an actual pattern.  Of course, it’ll all get shook up again when he escapes rehab, but I’ll deal with that when I can.

I almost feel like I am four different people.  The first is when I’m with Ryan.  My concentration is fully on him.  Helping him with words when he can’t find them, reminding him to breathe like he did when I was in labor while he works through therapy, holding his hand, exchanging kisses.  He becomes my whole world, regardless of how long I’m with him.

Then there is the work me.  The person who answers the phone with a cheery smile and replies “just fine” when asked “How are you?”  The person on autopilot who takes far longer than usual to process a simple email.  The person who longs to be anywhere else, doing anything else, feeling anything else.  It’s almost more difficult being here than at night when I’m trying to sleep.

The third person I am is when I’m holding a camera.  I’m able to stop my brain from wondering what the future will end up being and what our “normal” will become.  Able to concentrate on something other than figuring out how to continue on.  It’s wonderful figuring out a problem, tackling it and seeing it solved.  Even the editing (for myself and others) is therapeutic.  There is a stopping point.

Last is everything else.  The daze I walk through.  Eating.  Sleeping.  Showering.  It’s no wonder the days seem to fly by, half the time I don’t even realize what I’m doing.  Can’t recognize the task at hand unless I concentrate really hard.  I cannot even imagine losing a loved one, because having him alive but out of normal is difficult enough.

But then again, I guess I have lost something.  I’ve lost our future as we thought it would be.  What our 10 year anniversary will be.  Our 25th.  Our 50th.  Tomorrow.

I just……

I just feel like I can’t ever catch my breath.  I have so much to do.  So much I want to do.  And no time to do it.

Will you help me breathe?

EDIT: I wanted to add an update on Ryan too, so it’s not all depressing!  He is slowly seeming to get more muscle awakening on the right side.  His bicep yesterday reacted with only a tiny little bit of stimulation.  His hip is working more to allow him to walk easier.  His speech is becoming more and more expansive.  He knows what he wants to say and is usually really great at explaining it, even if he can’t find the word.  Even with almost daily pain attacks, he is getting better.  And we now have cardiology and neuro back involved to see if they can find out where the pain waves are coming from.


18 Responses to “Time”

  1. alice December 27, 2010 at 7:20 pm #

    hang in there, lots of prayers streaming in from florida. prayers for ryan’s recovery, prayers for your strength, endurance, love, patience, tolerance, strength, stamina, you name it. you are in my thoughts every day, as is ryan.

    • Mrs. Soup December 27, 2010 at 8:28 pm #

      Thank you. So much. We are blessed.

  2. keli December 27, 2010 at 7:54 pm #

    you are amazing. so strong. i am fairly certain i would have collapsed into a heap of tears by now. you guys are in my daily prayers.

    • Mrs. Soup December 27, 2010 at 8:29 pm #

      Oh, don’t worry….I have my tears too. But I can’t have too many of those moments….too much to do still.

      Someday maybe I’ll have a chance to breathe.

  3. Dallas Ann December 28, 2010 at 7:45 am #

    Of course, my dear. Breathing deep breaths right there beside you. Well, as much as technology will span the gap of geography.

    I love you.

    • Shari December 28, 2010 at 8:31 am #

      ~ helping you breathe and still praying hard for you!

      • Mrs. Soup December 28, 2010 at 8:52 am #

        Thank you.

    • Mrs. Soup December 28, 2010 at 8:51 am #

      Thank you, honey. I love you. And sometimes, it doesn’t feel like Illinois is that far away at all….

  4. Aunt Becky December 28, 2010 at 12:19 pm #

    Breaks my heart into a zillion pieces. Sending you lots of love.

    • Mrs. Soup December 28, 2010 at 12:20 pm #

      Sending lots of thanks and love back.

  5. kbreints December 28, 2010 at 8:37 pm #

    What a beautifully honest post. You guys are in my thoughts. I am so happy that you are able to just move to another floor and keep living in your own home!

  6. Heather December 29, 2010 at 9:18 am #

    Doing all I can to help you breathe by sending up prayers for your family constantly throughout the day. I find myself wishing more and more that Seattle and Portland were closer together so I could give you a big hug every day and do more to support you. Love you sweetie!

    • Mrs. Soup December 29, 2010 at 9:24 am #

      Thank you, so much. I can almost feel your arms around me, even over the distance. Thank you.

  7. Deanna December 29, 2010 at 11:39 pm #

    I can’t even imagine all the things on your plate and all the emotions you are dealing with. Continued prayers from my family. Hang in there!

  8. JenniferB December 30, 2010 at 5:42 pm #

    I have no words. Just a hug.

  9. Jade @ Tasting Grace January 2, 2011 at 3:03 am #

    I wish I knew what to say. I keep coming back to this post, but there are no words. You are so strong. Thinking of you.

    • Mrs. Soup January 2, 2011 at 10:45 pm #

      Your prayers do so much. Thank you.

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