Self Reflection

29 Dec

Lately I’ve been…thoughtful.  Not necessarily depressed, just trying to figure things out.  Maybe it’s the end of the year.  Maybe it’s the lack of good sleep or just the oft repeated pattern of my days and weeks.  Whatever it is, I’m not as upbeat as I have been in the past.

It’s not the weather, because it’s actually been a fairly mild winter so far.  It’s been really cold and sunny or cloudy and in the 40’s.  Yes, money is a bit tight, but we were expecting that having a stay-at-home parent with a little one.  My grandmother isn’t doing the best, but is doing better than she has been.

I wonder if it is because I don’t have a goal.  I am kinda wandering around lost.  My job doesn’t bring me joy.  I don’t have much time after work to do something I enjoy.  I don’t even really know what I enjoy, actually.

Maybe that’s it.

I have some things….I enjoy photography, but there is only so much I can do in the house with poor lighting and a not awesome camera.  The time and energy it takes to do what I want to with the photography is difficult because it is so vast and takes away from spending time with my husband and daughter.  I enjoy reading, and have tried to do more of that, but am having a hard time finding something new to read.  I enjoy playing The Sims 3 computer game, but it won’t run on my computer, so can only play when Mr. Soup is not on his.  Which then makes me feel guilty.

I wish I had a life vest.  Or a book that tells me where to go from here.  This fuzzy, messy, lost brain of mine is pulling me down and I’m having difficulty coming up for fresh air.  I am far from suicidal, so please don’t worry about that.  Just not feeling very useful.

I’m taking a 10 day vacation off of work starting Christmas Eve and hope that that will settle things down.

What do you do to make you happy?  What brings you back to your own “one-ness”?  Finding your center and all that?  Please share…even if you haven’t commented before, I would love to hear from you.

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29 Responses to “Self Reflection”

  1. Kathleen December 29, 2009 at 7:55 am #

    Oh, I so get where you’re coming from! Sometimes in my reflections I just FEEL that there has got to be so much more to life than what I am putting into it!

    For me, getting back to that contented state takes prayer and time with God. Other than that, the things I do that make me happy are blogging and facebooking. I like to read but just don’t have time to read for fun. Writing is very therapetic for me, but then not everyone enjoys writing that much. I think your photography is AWESOME! I would never have known you’re working with poor lighting or a not-good camera! Maybe you could combine your photography with your blogging. I know–you already post pictures. But what I’m talking about is maybe posting a picture, edited or not, and offering instruction on how to capture the angle you captured or offering instruction about editing. I know I would love to read that–I wish I could take pictures like you!

    Many blessings to you as you begin your 2010 with some much needed time off. I hope your time allows for the discovery you need!

    Hugs and prayers…

    • mrssoup December 29, 2009 at 2:08 pm #

      Thank you so much. I don’t know if I could do the instructions, mostly because I shoot organically (which is a downfall..since I don’t remember what or why I did something)….but possibly could do editing. I don’t think anyone would be interested though….

      I think that I may need to get more time with God and I. That should help. I miss Bible Study….maybe I need to find some time to do that…

      Thank you so much for commenting. ❤

  2. townto December 29, 2009 at 9:24 am #

    Oh Mrs. Soup! Hang in there…I completely know how you feel. Sometimes I “over”goal myself and then I fail miserably in a whole bunch of arenas. I’ve been uber-reflective also…I do think it is partly the time of year…but also partly our personalities.

    It’s funny, these thoughts have also been on my mind…and I realized last night that instead of doing a few things really well, I’m trying to do everything…and not doing anything well at all. So I am going to focus. And maybe that is what you can do. Pick something and focus. If it is photography, go all out – and involve Mr. and Baby Soup. Even if you have a crummy camera for now, I’ve seen people do some amazing stuff just by what they have learned and how they can use their skills even with a not so fancy camera. I started a 365 project (www.melete365.blogspot.com) – maybe you should do something like that! My goal is to learn all I can about my camera and taking pictures during my journey.

    Hang in there…you’re not alone! And maybe if you decide to really focus on your photography, we could meet up and do a photo walk in Ptown (I’m totally not a creeper! 🙂

    BTW – You were the first non-relative/friend to comment on my blog (did you know that???). Take care!

    Toni

    • mrssoup December 29, 2009 at 2:38 pm #

      Thank you so much for the words. I’m hoping to learn more about photography and using what I have…but it’s so draining too. I would love to do a photowalk. I’m not a creeper either! Just have to get into Portland…it seems so far away most of the time.

      I tried doing 365 and couldn’t do it, because I didn’t have the time to edit…but I might try and do something once a week. A 52 weeks project. Might be able to do that…

  3. Tasha December 29, 2009 at 11:04 am #

    i have suffered from SAD for years. it sounds just like where you are. every winter.. i just get sad. for no reason. i like sunshiney days. i like color. i like bright/happy times. i like to live in my fantasy world. and when my world looks bleak. when i am forced inside. when there is no color and grey, dreary days. i get sad. i am down. i dont know why. i dont know what to do with myself. and the more i obsess over it.. the more down i get.

    when the first signs of spring start showing. when the flowers are blooming, trees are budding. my spirits are lifted and it all goes away.

    it is just the effects of Seasonal Affective Disorder

    there are great books out there. if you havent read anything by Karen Kingsbury.. start. hers are fun, and uplifting easy reads. her new series is good; Act I and Act II are out in the series.
    I love reading anything by Janette Oke, or Beverly Lewis. i like to imagine myself living in Plain/Prairie times.. or in Amish country.
    I like Tracy Peterson as well
    check the local library.
    curl up and read. 🙂
    it will get better. take your daughter out for a walk. fresh air is good for SAD.

    • mrssoup December 29, 2009 at 4:38 pm #

      I never even thought of SAD. I’m a native Oregonian and always love the rain. But I actually think this year is so different. We’ve had much different weather than usual. Sunny but cold. Except for this moment, when it’s actually snowing. I’ll have to check and see if it works to keep track of the weather and my mood.

      Thank you!

      And I totally need to check out those books….Thank you!

  4. Dallas Ann December 29, 2009 at 11:47 am #

    Oh hon, I can SO relate to this.

    For me, it was a lack of goals that made ME happy and feeling fulfilled. Being a mom is great but so exhausting and it really doesn’t feel so self edifying a lot of the time. For me, I discovered that challenging my self, my person is what has helped me get my groove back. On my blog, I’ve made a new page about my Project 101 in 1001 plan. I haven’t written about it yet, but it’s on my to-do list for this week.

    I love you and hope that you not only find a life vest but dry land soon.

    • mrssoup December 29, 2009 at 2:10 pm #

      You are doing an amazing job with that too. I definitely need to find a goal. I think finding a goal will definitely help…

      Now, to figure that goal out…

      • Dallas Ann December 29, 2009 at 9:00 pm #

        Just brainstorming here… Going into “help her fix it” mode… What helped me was doing little goals, nothing huge or life changing at first. What I found the most discouraging was when I didn’t see any immediate success. With the little goals (like making my bed every day, singing in the car to an upbeat song when stuck in traffic, etc), success quickly piled up and helped propel me with enthusiasm into the bigger goals and challenges. For me, it was all about starting small.

  5. Jamie December 29, 2009 at 12:31 pm #

    Just know you’re not alone. This time of year usually has me in self reflection mode too.

    • mrssoup December 29, 2009 at 2:10 pm #

      Thank you. ❤

  6. kbreints December 29, 2009 at 1:00 pm #

    I am one that always needs something to look forward to… a change of some kind… a project… a photo shoot….a major life change. In the winter I find myself getting bored of the ‘4 walls’ around me and end up rearanging furniture– painting walls – setting a goal of some kind for myself.

    I totally know what yo uare going through! I hope that you are able to find something to perk you up!

    • mrssoup December 29, 2009 at 2:17 pm #

      Yeah, I definitely need some type of goal or destination…I get myself from item to item, event to event….but can’t keep myself together in between.

  7. Jenn December 29, 2009 at 4:05 pm #

    You pretty much just described exactly how I have been feeling lately too. My husband has been sick (for over a month) which leaves me to do everything that needs to be done and with no time to do anything that I want to do. I feel guilty for not being overly joyful because really, life is good but still, there’s something missing.

    I didn’t mean to make this all about me! I just want you to know that you are not alone, not even a little bit.

    I wasn’t even going to check blogs tonight but I’m glad that I did because I feel better knowing that I’M not alone. So thanks for that. xoxo

    • mrssoup December 29, 2009 at 4:41 pm #

      Yes, you are not alone. And thank you for not making it all about ME. Because I waffled over posting this at all….I’m glad you checked it. Thank you. ❤

  8. Jennifer B December 29, 2009 at 6:09 pm #

    Hmmm. I have been there, though I don’t feel I’m there right now. And I think some folks before me have posted some great ideas. Focusing really helps, and I think I get all kinds of lost when I am flustered and don’t have the ability to concentrate on one thing, which is most of the time with 2 small kids. Lately, just getting things completed is what makes me feel happy and centered. Right now I’m on a mission to purge and organize the house, which is a ginormous project. When I finish any part of it, I feel a huge sigh of relief and I feel better like there is less weight pressing down on me. But smaller projects also feel good: printing pictures and pasting them into my kids baby books feels good, though I haven’t actually finished. Just getting started on that one was helpful to my mental wellbeing. Oh, another thing that helped me feel really good inside was spending an evening hanging out with friends until the wee hours. As parents, we don’t get to socialize too much. So this was a really nice reconnection time with some of our friends. I don’t know if any of this helps, but this is all the suggestions I got for now.

    Side note, have you read anything by Robin Hobb? She’s excellent. I highly recommend the Liveship & Assassin’s series.

    • mrssoup December 30, 2009 at 11:15 am #

      Yes, I have a really hard time focusing. That tends to be my biggest failing, focusing on one thing. Thank you for the comment. This is really helping give me ideas and ways to concentrate on ME.

      The name sounds REALLY familiar…I may have read the Assassin’s series…a while ago anyways.

  9. Keli December 29, 2009 at 6:33 pm #

    I’m there, too. Part of my absence has been about the holidays while part of it has just been due to reflection. It’s hard to look forward when I spend most of my time looking back, so I’m going to just spend a little time looking back and then make an effort to look forward. Write some goals for the year, even some unrealistic ones. And then just start working towards them.

    Even if you have poor lighting in your house, you can still work on photography things. Like shooting manually. Or just learning everything you can about your camera.

    Any Scott Kelby books on photography are amazing.

    I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately, but nothing in particular. I’ve been in mystery mode, so I just go look at the library and search for mysteries.

    Favorite feel-good authors are Jane Green, Sophia Kinsella, and Jennifer Weiner. 🙂

    Take care of yourself. I have a feeling 2010 will rock. xoxo

    • mrssoup December 30, 2009 at 11:19 am #

      Yes, good call on the looking forward. That may be my biggest issue…the fact that I don’t have anything to really look forward to. So I need to make it.

      And shooting manual is one of my goals, for sure. Learning everything I can with this camera to get better. I *can* do this….

      Will have to check out those books. Thank you. So much. ❤

  10. Deanna December 29, 2009 at 6:53 pm #

    Life sure be crazy and stressfull during the holidays. I’m on vacation now and really looking forward to not doing much except spending some time with the family. You should try have an outing outside if it’s not raining. Hey I heard their may be snow out your way?! I’m kind of sad that I didn’t bring the good camera on our trip, but I’m still hoping to get outside for some photos. I didn’t really take anything during the holidays for the photo challenge. I suggest taking some time just for you and enjoy it or try to schedule something with a friend – maybe a girls night out! OK, hang in there and happy new year. BTW – I’m reading more vampire books and enjoying it (True Blood series).

    • mrssoup December 30, 2009 at 11:13 am #

      Yeah, we just had a bunch of snow, a good 5 inches or so. It’s beautiful. We did go to the zoo on Sunday, and that was fun but COLD. I’m looking at maybe setting up a deal with someone to go horseback riding which would give me some time by myself. I need to do it more often.

      Oooo, must try the True Blood series….

      Thank you!

  11. Badass Geek December 30, 2009 at 2:59 pm #

    I wish I had some goals, but I don’t, really. I wish I could offer some help.

    • mrssoup December 30, 2009 at 4:02 pm #

      Thank you for the support, even if there isn’t any help. ❤

  12. Jessica January 1, 2010 at 4:19 pm #

    I’ve been feeling your pain – quite literally. Then?the universe stepped in. I’m not sure if it’s good or bad. It’s not *exactly* the direction I want to go…but maybe it’ll lead me there?

    Hold on. Something will happen…probably when you least expect it…that will give you guidance. 🙂

    • mrssoup January 4, 2010 at 10:48 am #

      Yes, I saw that the universe stepped in and took control. Go universe. It knows what it wants….I hope it’s everything you need it to be!

  13. Stefany @ ToBeThode January 2, 2010 at 1:39 am #

    Well, you know I love you and I have noticed you are much quieter lately. Please know that I am here if you need anything… ever.

    I have been doing so much better now that I have found some new friends with similar interests. I honestly don’t know how you feel about religion and all that, but I have been doing so much better since I embraced that I do have faith and opened my heart to all that brings.

    Since you love photography, why don’t you check out a local CC and see if they have any classes you can take… one night a week would be good “me time” for you. As far as books, have you done the “you might like” ideas on Amazon? I think it is them that tells you who you might like if you like a certain book. I tend to follow those guidelines to find new ideas. I also tend to throw out tweets from time to time asking for ideas.

    I really wish I could offer you more help. Please though, contact me if you want to bitch, cry, yell, or anything else. I am always here for you friend. In the meantime, hug that beautiful girly of yours… that always makes me feel better. ((hugs to you))

    • mrssoup January 4, 2010 at 10:48 am #

      Thank you, honey. So much.

  14. Cathy January 2, 2010 at 10:16 pm #

    I hope you’re feeling better now. Did you get graced with any of the snow that hit the NW after Christmas. We got three inches. Winter is dreary for photography. Although, if it’s not too rainy, heading outdoors, you can still get enough light. Going on nature walks with my kids helps me…sometime even when it is pouring down rain. I hate rain, but it still helps me and I feel more refreshed afterwards.

    Cathy

    • mrssoup January 4, 2010 at 10:49 am #

      I am doing better. Thank you so much for asking.

      And yes, we got about 5 inches at my parents, about a foot back at our place. We were housesitting so thankfully didn’t get the foot. There is still snow at home.

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