Precious little angel that you are, I cannot believe I lived 26 years of my life without you.
Let me tell you a little secret. I didn’t know if I was really ready to have kids yet when we started trying. I knew I wanted them eventually, but I was afraid. Very afraid. What does one do with a little infant? I always felt uncomfortable holding a baby younger than a year old. But your daddy was ready and really wanted a baby. I agreed, knowing that he would be so fantastic and also because deep down I trusted him and my gutt. It was saying it was time.
I am so thankful I did! The first month when we got a negative test, I was sad. With those tears, I knew I was ready. Then, the next month, it happened.
That second bright pink line. We were so excited. Originally we were going to try and think of how to announce it to your Grammy, Grandpa and Nana. But we were too excited. So we just called them. Quickly, your nickname arrived. You were Split Pea Soup.
Then the joys of pregnancy happened. I had morning sickness and I had it bad. Nothing helped and I threw up several times a day. Plain water made me projectile vomit. Ginger couldn’t touch my tongue without vomiting. I still went to work most days and proceeded to spend at least half of it curled up on the ground.
I was exhausted and losing weight. The catalist happened 4th of July weekend. 52 hours of vomiting. Nothing stayed down for long. I kept drinking liquids though, because the small amounts that did get ingested kept me from getting dehydrated.
So I went on Zofran. I didn’t want to take medications, as I planned on going as natural as possible all the way through but I was not healthy. It was horrible, but the Zofran helped immensly. I stopped vomiting daily and ended up being just slightly nauseous most of the day instead.
We found out you would be a little girl in September, the day after your Grammy moved out to Oregon. She was so excited to be in the room with us when we found out with your Grandpa and Nana too. Everyone couldn’t wait to meet you.
Your nursery was finished in December.
Including the beautiful cradle your Grandpa and Daddy built for you.
We were ready. All we needed was you!
Your due date came and went. The Zofran wasn’t working as well anymore. I started throwing up again. Worse, I started losing weight again after gaining just the right amount.
The doctor was starting to get concerned. January 12th I started having contractions throughout the day. They started getting stronger, so Daddy came and picked me up at work. I went home and labored. Things were getting stronger, so we went to the hospital to have them check. My doctor had been gone the week before, so I had a different one check and I was not dilated at all. At the hospital, my contractions stopped. You were not ready to come.
That week was rough. Contractions would stop and start constantly and we set an induction date for Thursday the 15th to help you along before I got much weaker. Thursday morning we were called and told not to come in, because our doctor had to go to an emergency. That weekend, he also would be gone to Washington, so we set the next date for Monday morning the 19th at 7am.
Sunday morning arrived and Daddy and I made brownies. We sat at our computers, eating an entire pan of brownies and watching episodes of CSI. Then 8:00pm hit. You pretty much decided we weren’t joking about the induction and contractions started. They quickly sped up and got stronger. Thankfully, we had not unpacked the car from the false alarm the week before so we didn’t have to pack anything. Each contraction was rough and intense and by 10:30pm, I couldn’t concentrate without your Daddy there helping me. We knew there would be no way I could survive the drive to the hospital without him helping me through it. So we called Grandpa and Nana to come drive us. I had two contractions getting from the house to the car.
We made it to the hospital somehow, although I don’t remember the drive very well. The nurse hooked me up to the heart moniter so we could listen to your heart and checked me. I was 5 cms dilated. The whirlwind begins with getting me checked in and hooked up to an IV for fluids. I was so dehydrated that as soon as it was in I felt 100 times better. We ran a hot bath in the lovely jacuzzi tub and I got in. The jets hurt my back but the heat felt good. I was in there for maybe 15 minutes before I started feeling the urge to push. I tell your daddy and he goes to the tell the nurses. They reply with “Oh” and come help me out of the tub. While they check me, Daddy goes to give an update to the family in the waiting room.
I’m now at 8cm. I had progressed 3 cm in about half an hour. She leaves to go get the doctor to come. I had wanted to do this without any drugs, giving you the best chance at as healthy an entry into the world as possible. But the contractions were getting intense. They were coming so close together that I was starting to have trouble breathing, even with your Daddy being incredible. When the nurse came back, I asked for some Stadal to help with the pain. It was a rough decision, but I gave the magic word “Cumquat” and she nodded while she went to go get it. By the time she came back, she checked and I was at 9.5 cms and ready to go. So no drugs. But I was fine with that, because I knew it would be over soon and I could do this.
With your Daddy’s help, I was in the zone. I was ready. The doctor came in (a strange one I had never met before because our regular doctor was in Washington at his son’s swim meat), put on his gloves and got ready. I started pushing. My bag hadn’t broken yet, so it was broken and things moved along super fast. So fast in fact, that your heart started slowing. It started slowing really fast. I didn’t know what was going on but the nurse puts my face to hers and says “We need to get her out now. I need your approval for an episiotomy.” I nodded and buckled down again. At that point, I was doing whatever I was told but trusted your Daddy to lead me if need be.
5 minutes later, you were here. Pink and perfect.
You immediately were starving and I welcomed the time to cuddle with you. Tears poured down your Daddy and I’s faces. We were parents. You were here and something clicked. I knew I was meant to be your mother forever and didn’t regret a moment.
If I had to, I would go through another 9 months of vomiting and exhaustion to have you there in our lives.
I wouldn’t change a thing.
Thank you for making our lives whole. Thank you for being your amazing self and showing us how much love is possible.